Life or Something Like it

Feeling a bit down

So today is pretty shitty out - snow, rain and sleet - BLEH.  Not sure if its the weather that has me down but I guess its not really helping.  Its been almost 4 months since I lost Angel and it feels like an eternity ago.  His/her due date was supposed to be Feb. 28th which is readily approaching which in essence feels a lot like I’m in a small room with the walls closing in on me.  I miss him.  I feel guilty too.  I want a baby soo badly and though I had said I would wait until after his due date I find myself ttc.  I’m not going to any extremes, no charting or using any ovulation predictors but just sort of letting things happen if they are meant to be.  I suppose they are not.  This is the second month that I thought maybe I could be pregnant but this is the second month that I get a BFN after peeing on a stick.  I feel guilty because I feel like maybe he thinks I want to replace him and I really don’t and the fact is that while I do want a baby - its not just any baby I want, its him.  I still don’t understand why this had to happen, its not fair and though “life’s not fair” it just doesn’t make much sense either.  So I’m torn, one side of me wants a baby - badly; while another just wants Angel and no one else (at least not for now).  So what do I do?  I am scared, if I did get pregnant I know I will worry the whole time and obviously that won’t help anything.  Am I really just trying to replace him?? I don’t feel like I am because I know I WANT him and I’d give anything if I could have him again.  I know I would love any other baby of mine the same as well, that once I got pregnant again I would love this baby and treat this baby like its own entity - because they would never be Angel but I would never forget him either.  All that probably made no sense.  I am conflicted.  Wanting things I can’t have and wishing upon stars for things to happen.  I wish I understood my mind a bit better but I’m as much of a mystery as a new book and unfortunately I can’t read ahead and see what are the right choices or how this all pans out.