Life or Something Like it

And the beat goes on…

Today I hit the 12 week mark which is fantastic!  At the end of this week I will be in my 2nd trimester, however instead of feeling estatic or happy I am more filled with dread then I have been the entire time I’ve been pregnant.  I can not help but think that I am just reliving my worst nightmare over again, ever day I get closer to being as far along as I was with Angel and I am seriously freaking out!  My husband thinks I am nuts and most people that I have told (which are very few) are all very positive but I just can’t get there.  I have tried thinking about the future and while I can invision it I just don’t believe I will get to live it.  I am going for my 1st trimester screen on Friday and while the last time I had a great screen I feel like maybe this time I won’t - maybe I will have to deal with the sadness and pain earlier than last time.  Maybe I need to take some anti-anxiety meds or something??  I still have all the symptoms and I swear I can feel the fluttering which is a BIG difference from last time so I hope that maybe its a sign.

On a side note my sister and I had this huge blow out over a week ago…all because I am pregnant??!?!  She felt the need to attack me and say that I am an idiot and shouldn’t be bringing a baby into my poor financial situation…yadda yadda and then she decided she would top it off with “oh please, you’re only trying to replace the baby you lost!”.  WOW.  I swear to every holy entity that I would have throttled her if she’d been anywhere near me.  I told her to go fuck herself and shove her opinions up her ass.  I was really tore up about it at first but I gained some perspective and now its all pretty humourous (except the baby comment…that still boils my blood).  A week or so later she sends me a text to ask for forgiveness and to say that she would try to think before she speaks.  Things have been awkward since, I can’t really forgive her and I told her that.  I did forgive the idiot comments simply because they didn’t mean jack to me but the replacement comment - I mean how could she even go there?!?  No one, not even my husband or closest friends know how much I hurt for Angel.  How I miss him every single day and how I wonder what he would have looked like, would he have come early, on time or late?  How he would have been about a month old right now.  No one will ever understand because they didn’t have to go through it and the only support I’ve really gotten has been from the internet and women who have lived through what I have and worse.  She tried to wipe away his existence with her stupid comment and I will never forgive her for that because that baby was my baby, he had an identity from the minute I saw the 2nd pink line and I loved him every second I had him with me.  No one will ever be able to replace him or make my pain go away.